Saturday, June 05, 2004

Currently: Sitting here with pants and a bra on... it's too hot out. Also listening to The Melvins-Spit It Out

There are two CDs that I save until the summer. Arlo's Up High in the Night, and Nirvana's Nevermind. Arlo's CD is just so summer sounding, it makes me happy. Nirvana's Nevermind is just something that I listen to in the summer b/c when I first got it, it was summer and it's all that I listened too. I just carried that tradition on.

I haven't done anything with anyone so far this summer. I'm like a hermit in my house. By choice and not, I can't think of anyone that I want to see besides Christina. Our bond has gotten so big, it's weird. She was there at a very very very bad time in my life and just like that, we're two peas in a pod, and it happned very fast. I avoid seeing anyone from school b/c I just don't want too. Sure that maybe negative but it's how I feel. I don't want to spend anytime with anyone b/c I don't feel like myself and to be 100% honest I really don't like anyone. I don't feel like these are "my people" and I really need that. This is the summer before 12th grade the last summer we'll all be together for sure so I should be out there with them. Them who? There is no one. I know that some of you read this and might be like "what the fuck?" or something (or maybe not care at all!) but well, there you go. Sure I could call up Alex, but why? She doesn't talk to me unless I talk to her, suddenly everything is a competion. No, I don't want to spend time with someone like that. What happened? Sure people change but when was I suddenly not good enough? The last time we really had a good moment was after the shooting. That's how I feel and I hate it. I want my best friend back. I am in no way saying that Christina isn't "good enough" for something like that b/c I love her to death and am so happy she's in my life right now. I know, this is high school. Growth, change, finding one's self, but this was Alex. I would have expected all this to happen with someone else but not Alex, you were my soul mate friend. None of that seems to matter to you. It hurts more than anything that a guy could do to me *ahem*.
This summer will more or less be like last summer. I'll stay in the house all day and I'll never come out, I'll be depressed, bored and going senile, but I'm prepared. I could draw and get crafty but I'm wallowing in self-pity and too lazy to do anything. I'm trying. I just need to work through somethings and then when I'm ready I'll do what I have to do.

I look forward to going to Luke's grad party tomorrow. I made him something too.

Oh by the way, Troy was great. I didn't think I would like it AT ALL but it was good. Go see it.

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