Tuesday, June 01, 2004

I'm manic, moody, bored, and freaked out. I've gotten so fucking good at not showing anything, I deserve a fucking oscar. My heart starts to pound really fast often and I don't know why. I'm on the verge of having a panic attack at all times. It hits me and I don't why or when. I can't stand anyone I hate people right now, I just want to sleep and not wake up until I can get the fuck out. I sit in here day after day with nothing to do and I don't call anyone b/c I don't think anyone really truly wants to be around me b/c I'm annoying or something. No one calls me either. Everyone says you're negative... well I'M FUCKING WORKING ON IT, OK????? Sorry I can't be fucking smiles all the fucking time. I hate where I am I hate everything about this place, I need to fucking get out of here or I'm going to go even more crazy. I have no one and I really need someone. I had someone but suddenly I get fucking dropped after 3 fucking years of the best friendship of my life. Fuck you. I don't want to do anything, I just want to sleep or sit on my bed and stare off into space. I'm tired of all the stupid ass e-mails about you and shit. Argh. I just get like this and I don't know why but I do, and I can't fucking do anything about it and I hate that more than anything. She fucking complains that everyone talks behind everyone's backs and she's so fucking tired of it but everytime I'm with her that's all she does. I need to distance myself from her b/c she manipulates anyone she can and I don't like the person that I am around her. I just want OUT and I don't know how to get out. Some days it's good others it's hell it's even more hell now b/c all I do is sit at home, fucking home while everyone is having a great time. I fucking hate it and I'm not going to be the one to call all the time and say "hey what's going on tonight? You wanna do something?" fuck that. Yeah I'm being negative but after so long of this shit all the fucking time it gets old. My emotions are so fucking fragile right now....

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