Thursday, July 01, 2004

I cried for 20 minutes straight. I gasped for air and gagged because the feeling of vomiting was getting to be too much. I smoked a cigarette because that was the only thing that calmed me down. I still had outbursts of tears I coved my eyes. I'm in too deep and I need help, I'm scared. All the times I've been depressed I've gotten myself out because I didn't want help. I could admit if I needed it but I did it several times. This time is different. I can't do this on my own. I can't.

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just a reflection
just a glimpse
just a little reminder
of all the what abouts
and all the might have
could have beens
another day
some other way
but not another reason to continue

stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss
and it’s hard to believe it could come down to this
back at the beginning
sinking spinning
------------------------------------------

I’m still thinking of the times, all that happened, I can’t get away from it. I don’t want to it means too much. I just can’t believe you did that. I still want it and maybe I always will, I’m willing to give so much and risk a lot just for you.

i woke up today
to find myself in the other place
with a trail of my footprints
from where i ran away
it seems everything i’ve heard
just might be true
and you know me
(well you think you do)
sometimes, i have everything-
yet i wish i felt something

do you know how far this has gone?
just how damaged have i become?
when i think i can overcome
it runs even deeper

and in a dream i’m a different me
with a perfect you
we fit perfectly
and for once in my life i feel complete-
and i still want to ruin it
afraid to look
as clear as day
this plan has long been underway

i hear them call
i cannot stay
the voice invited me away

do you know how far this has gone?
just how damaged have i become?
when i think i can overcome
it runs even deeper
everything that matters is gone
all the hands of hope have withdrawn
could you try and help me hang on?
it runs...

i’m straight
i won’t crack
on my way
and i can’t turn back
i’m okay
i’m on track
on my way
and i can’t turn back
i stayed
on this track
gone too far
and i can’t come back
i stayed
on this track
lost my way
can’t come back

--------------------------------------------
just for the record
just so you know
i did not believe
that you could sink so low
--------------------------------------------

this is how
it begins
push it all away but it all comes back again
all the flesh
all the sin
there was a time when it used to mean just about everything

just like now

breath, echoing the sound
time starts slowing down
sink until i drown
(please) i don’t ever want make it stop

and it keeps repeating
will you please complete me?

never be enough
to fill me up
watch the white
turn to red
it fills up the hole but it grows somewhere else instead
all my life
yeah yeah yeah, but it just left me dead
(well guess what?)
the world is over and i realized it was all in my head

now everything is clear
i erase the fear
i can disappear
(please) i don’t ever want to make it stop

you can never leave me
will you please complete me

never be enough
to fill me up

--------------------------------------
thought he had it all before they called his bluff
found out that his skin just wasn’t think enough
wanted to go back to how it was before
thought he lost everything
then he lost a whole lot more
--------------------------------------

I’ve tried so hard for a long time now to pretend that everything is ok. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to get people into this, I can’t cause more stress. I wish that I was strong enough like all the other times. I was telling you in the car how he thought that I was negative and a mooch even though I have never talked to him one on one or at all. He heard it from someone and we all know who that is. I wish that I could stab her dead sometimes get some help from him because I know he would too. I was telling you all about it and how I feel that’s what everyone thinks and you looked at me and said:
“No one knows you the way I do, and no one deserves to know you the way that I do. They don’t know and they don’t deserve to.”
Every time I think of that it helps me a little. It only goes so far and sometimes I need more than that.

------------------------------------------
i can’t find myself
------------------------------------------

did you happen to catch
or did it happen so fast
what you thought would always last
had passed you by
is everything speeding up
or am i slowing down
just spinning around
and i don’t know why
all the pieces don’t fit
thought i really didn’t give a shit
i never wanted to be like you
but for all that i aspire
i am really a liar
and i’m running out of things i can do

i’d like to stay
but every day
everything pushes me further away
if you could show
help me to know
how it’s suppose to be
where did it go?

pleading and
needing and
bleeding and
breeding and
feeding
exceeding
where is everybody?
trying and
lying
defying
denying
crying and
dying
where is everybody?

well okay. enough.
you’ve had your fun
but come on there has got to be someone
that hasn’t yet become
so numb
and succumb
and
god damn i am so tried of pretending
of wishing i was ending
when all i’m really doing is trying to hide
and keep it all inside
and fill it wish lies
open my eyes?
maybe i wish i could try

pleading and
needing and
bleeding and
breeding and
feeding
exceeding
where is everybody?
trying and
lying
defying
denying
crying and
dying
where is everybody?

------------------------------------------
there is a game i play
try to make myself okay
try so hard to make the pieces all fit
smash it apart
just for the fuck of it
------------------------------------------

Sit all fucking day with nothing to do. I’m going senile and it’s getting old, I don’t know what I can do. I’ve called, but I always call you, you’re always there and for that I am so fucking grateful you don’t even know. That one day when you came I called crying saying “I can’t be alone” and you came just like that. “I’ll be there in 10 minutes” and that was it there you were and I cried still and I said that I can’t do this, that was then, this is right now and it’s still the same. I said I don’t know why I can’t get past that one thing, it’s better now though, it still remains but it’s ok.

all i do
i can still feel you

numb all through
i can still feel you
hear your call
underneath it all
kill my brain
yet you still remain
crucified
after all i’ve died
after all i’ve tried
you all still inside

all i do
i can still feel you

you remain
i am stained


And it’s ok, it’s ok now, but I miss it and I want it back. Alright alright I know it wont happen and that’s ok. Fucking sucks but it’s ok. I feel better but in five minutes I’ve going to get up and feel the same. I’ll go in my room sit on my bed stare at the same spot until it turns into something else. I’ll think and it will be the same thing as it always is but it helps me escape and I need that right now. When I’m ready I’ll do it maybe I can get out of this on my own like the thousands of times before. It doesn’t get easier, I really wish that it did. You didn’t call, that’s ok, it’s just my emotions are really fragile right now and I take it the wrong way. Maybe tomorrow, yeah, tomorrow and that’s ok.

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