Wednesday, September 29, 2004

my mom is making chocolate chip cookies, and i think peanut butter with chocolate chips just for me. what i could really go for is sprits cookies, but hey i love cookies so who gives a shit. except oatmeal with raisins, that shit is just sick.

last thrusday after art club i came home a cried for a really long time. my mom walked in but i told her to just go away, she went to clean the bank and i took a shower. afterward i climbed into bed and cried until i fell asleep around 6pm. i didn't wake up until 9 something the next morning, but chose to stay in bed anyway. christina knocked on the door but i really didn't want to see anyone so i let it go. she called my mom and my mom told her to wait b/c she was getting really worried about me. she came into my room and i put the covers over my face and wouldn't really talk. a few hours later my mom came in crying, which i hate b/c i just wanted her to shut the hell up, and begged me to get up. i did after a while but just went on the computer and talked to christina from NJ.
that was my weird breakdown that i had.
yesterday i went to see the doctor and i'm going into therapy. it doesn't sound like a really big deal but this is a HUGE step in my life. i've been depressed for a very very very long time and try my hardest to cover it up. i've never wanted help b/c i'm sort of stubborn but mostly don't want people to know and i just want to fix it myself. when i've spent over 9 years (i'm not kidding) pretending to be someone i'm not except for a very few people i've sort of lost myself. that scares me a lot, not knowing who i am. i don't sit around and feel sorry for myself, i do everything in my power to change myself to be a better person, i really try hard. i think that b/c the way my life is and how i feel over 50% is why i have so much compassion for others. it's like if i can't help myself then maybe i could help someone else. it took me a lot of strength just to tell my mom and i'm really excited and utterly TERRIFED to take these next steps
i would have to be 100% honest when the part of the reason that i am depressed is the fact that i have so little friends. i have people that i say hi to, they're more what you would call acquaintances, and the people that i would love to be friends with i see after school on thursdays i just don’t make a connection too. i don’t really have anything to say, b/c i don’t know what to say they don’t say much to me. which is never their fault and i don’t blame them for anything b/c that would be totally bogus; but i feel totally inadequate around them. it took me a lot of guts to even post this b/c i feel that i’ve bared too much of myself.

i made a new layout in honor of going to see green day.

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