Friday, May 13, 2005

i'm on a total manson idon'tknowwhat but i can't stop listening to anything but him. although right now i feel like listening to a little incubus...


i'm so boring it's not even funny.


everyday that goes by i find manson to be even better looking. megan and i talked about what explicit things we would like to do with him/to him.


i think i've fucked up my brain or something it's like not working. too. much. pot.


i don't think that christina and i are friends anymore and the fact that i don't care is scary (not new jersey christina, you're still my best friend).


chanti and i had the best conversation i've had with someone in a looooonng ass time. we talked about trevor pretty much the whole time and it was so nice talking with someone who knows what he's like and blah blah blah. i wont repeat what we talked about but it was so nice. we talked a little about elan too. and that was nice.


i think i'm in one of my moods.


i hate that.


i really want to go on a smoke drive to make this feeling go away.


i do not use pot as an escape device. i just love the feeling of being on it.


i would say that the best way to describe being high is to listen to tempation by the chemical brothers. and when you're high it's the most amazing thing you have ever heard in your life.


i think i might go to the midnight showing of star wars on the day it comes out. only b/c alex anderson is pretty much the cutest boy i have ever seen in my life. and b/c he's cool as hell.


i have never seen a single star wars movie, but isn't this like the "first" one or something b/c he made them backward? so i wont be too lost will i?


omg NINE more days of high school left EVER.


EVER.


as in i wont EVER have to go BACK.


there is so much i need to do still however, and 12th graders get out a week early so that means even less time to do all this stuff.


i always fuck myself over.


i need to grow up. but i don't want to but i do.


i should go and clean up the house some b/c that would be a nice thing to do for my mom. i will listen to manson while i do it.


mechanical animals is my favorite cd right now.


listen to it.


trevor tried to keep it today b/c i let him borrow it and then we wouldn't give it back. i wanted to kick him in the balls SO BAD but he gave it back, and i still wanted to kick him in the balls.


my pictures of chanti turned out so good in my opinion. i'm glad.


the song mechanical animals is how i feel right now.


We were neurophobic and perfect
The day that we lost our souls
Maybe we weren?t so human
If we cry we will rust
And I was a hand grenade
That never stopped exploding
You were automatic and
As hollow as the "o" in god
I am never gonna be the one for you
I am never gonna save the world from you
But they?ll never be good to you
Or bad to you
They?ll never be anything
Anything at all
You were my mechanical bride
Phenobarbidoll
A manniqueen of depression
With the face of a dead star
And I was a hand grenade
That never stopped exploding
You automatic and
As hollow as the "o" in god
I am never gonna be the one for you
I am never gonna save the world from you
But they?ll never be good to you
Or bad to you
They?ll never be anything
Anything at all
This isn?t me I?m not mechanical
I?m just a boy
Playing the suicide king


everyone at school seems to hate me or something. de-rock called me a bitch b/c i told him to F.O.D (fuck off and die) in a joking way. he didn't know i was joking or something and called me a bitch. it's like if christina and i are having problems he hates me. i don't get it. i think i should call him and ask him what his deal is.


i'm just so sick of school and all the fuckheads that go there and when i never have to see them again i will weep with happiness.


luke is coming home soon, this is exciting, and this means that i will get to hug him and SEE him and not just talk on the phone.


i hate phones.


i hate internet.


sometimes i wish i would have never met certain people b/c they make life harder than it has to be.


why can't it be next summer, when i will be in seattle and so will luke.


i'm cold.


i really need a job.


bad.


i need to get the fuck out of here asap.


i need something different.


megan took pictures of me for her photo two class, and they are really good. i like them a lot.


last night i went to bed high, and i had a dream that i was put up for adoption or something and my new parents were lesbians. that's funny.


then there was something about a pool, and something else about trevor but i'm not sure what it was.


those are the most fucked up dreams i have ever had.


i think.


yesterday megan and i got together b/c she wanted to take pictures of me. first we went on a smoke drive, but all she had was steams so i had to break them up into little pieces and we smoked that. then we took ressie hits and got really fuck high off of that. i tell you we're a bunch of fucking losers. so while we were smoking we listened to new model no. 15 and don't like the drugs (but the drugs like me). we pulled over somewhere to take the pictures and it was so freaking cold and i was so freaking high i didn't know what was going on. it was funny now that i look bad at it. i remember that i thought this one tree was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. megan was seeing camels. that bird just went WHHHOOOSHH. and we listened to tempation two times with krista. i was trippin out and i loved it. don't tell anyone and don't think i would that stupid to really do it, but have always wanted to try coke or something like that. but i wont. i just have a weird fascination with drugs. are you judging me? don't judge.


I want to wake up in your
White, white sun
And I want to wake up in your world
With no pain
But I'll just suffer in a hope to die someday
While you are numb all of the way
When I hate it I know I can feel but
When you love you know it's not real
No
And I am resigned to this wicked fucking world
On its way to hell
The living are dead and
I hope to join them too
I know what to do and I do it well...
When I hate it I know I can feel but
When you love you know it's not real
No
Shoot myself to love you
If I loved myself I'd be shooting you


I'm making a manson mixed cd with all my favorite songs on it.
the dope show
mechanical animals
rock is dead
disassociative
posthuman
i don't like the drugs (but the drugs but like me)
new model no. 15
coma white
user friendly
fundamentally loathsome
the love song
the fight song
disposable teens
(s)aint
spade
irresponsible hate anthem
the beautiful people
little horn
the reflecting god
man that you fear
1996
anti-chirst superstar


there it is. make one for yourself and listen to it all the time.


picture time b/c i'm bored.


john5 is hot. i love this makeup and hair.



i love it.



i'm doing my hair like this sometime (like manson's).




he makes a better looking woman than most women.


i really love his eyes.



aaawww happy manson



the background to my computer.



this one is one of my favorites



ok i'm done. one day i will take that man's picture. megan just called me on her break b/c she was thinking about me, i feel loved. i love it.

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