Friday, June 10, 2005

i bought a camera, but i feel bad using all my money.


today in the mail there was a letter from my social worker. tim (my dad) was taken to court about child support. he owes like 2,000 and something, and he has to pay it. that and the interest that it's build from being how many months late. i don't know if we'll get it though b/c he has to have the money in order to pay it. he's sick. i haven't said anything about it to anyone but elan. i don't really feel like telling anyone, i mean what am i suppose to say? hey my real dad is sick and blah blah blah. i'm not going to give details about it, just that he'e sick and a part of me really wants to make sure he'll be ok. even though to just left me, i still kinda care about him. i mean... i can't even write about this anymore b/c the tears are starting to come and i don't feel like crying right now.


when i got out of the shower it started to rain. i love rain. i love when it rains at night with lighting and the whole sha-bang. i could almost cry it's so beautiful.


i read brave new girl again. for like, the idon'tevenknowhowmanytimes. it never fails, i always cry. at least get tears at the end of it. if i could make every person on earth do one thing, it would be to read that book. it's the most amazing thing i've ever read. it just makes me feel... i can't even explain it. it strange b/c most of the time when you read a book you picture the characters in your head, but with this book i can't picture that. i have this general idea i guess, but when it comes to doreen (the main character) i can't picture it at all. i don't think i can b/c she's so much like me. or maybe i'm a lot like her. we think the same. that same sarcastic, foul-mouth way. it's such a strange and wonderful thing. i have paragraphs that i love marked all over in the book, if i could i would type out the whole damn book and post it on here.


i've been feeling really strange lately. like depressed but not. part of me is really ok with things. really ok with who i am. i'm content and humble with myself. sometimes i get sad, but maybe it's not me maybe it's everyone else that's missing out. i have two of the most amazing people in my life. my best friend i don't even know where to start with her. christina (were talking the one from new jersey here)you're amazing. sometimes when i think about how much you're really there for me and you always listen to my shit, i could cry. i cry so much. but really it means a lot. you don't tell me how to feel about stuff. you don't tell me what i should think. you're just you, and you listen. really that means a lot. and when i don't feel too good about elan and i you remind me just how much he really does love me. thanks. i love you girl a lot.


i remember when i was a in 11th grade and i had mr. distill (sp? i can't spell worth a shit) as a teacher for history; we had to write this essay on the american dream or something. mine was a little different, i started to talk about LSD and people running around naked. when i got it back he had comments on the sides and wrote that i was a really great writer. when i had mr.getter for the next term of history he came up to me and said he heard i was a really great writer. that meant a lot to me. ever since we started to write papers for school my teachers always said that about me. that i have a certain voice in my work. i don't really know why the hell i thought of this but i'm just kinda writing what comes in my head. i'm not bragging either. it's just something that always meant a lot to me. i think i'm a pretty ok writer. if i have to write about something i usually do what i want with it. not really want the teachers want to hear, but more what i really have to say. i'd rather get a bad grade for writing something they didn't want then to be dishonest to myself and write some crap.
i would really like to drive right now. it's dark out, just drive on the freeway. no music just drive. i don't care where. just anywhere.


i wish it would start to rain again.


i should wear a skirt tomorrow.


i need to call about that job, i need some money. i have none left. i feel like i need to take everything i bought back. i feel really guilty about it.


i really really really need my hair cut. really bad.


there's this family party thing that coming up and one of the days my cousin greg is going to have a party at his house. he's friends with tim, and that means he might be there. i don't know what i would do if i saw him. i don't think i'm ready for that. i don't think i ever will be. not ever.


i think i should go to bed.

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