Saturday, September 17, 2005

here's that wonderful breakdown coming on again. i was holding this bag of veggie crisps getting ready to open it and eat some (i had had a handful today) and she said to me "don't eat the whole bag in one sitting." that might not sound so bad to you but i threw the bag from where i was standing and it hit the counter and then i went into the bathroom and cried. god i'm sorry i'm such a fucking pig to you. she didn't know i was crying or see me throw the bag across the room. she does this shit where she says we're going to do all this shit. like switch rooms and for 2 months we went looking for desks and then when we found one she said she'd get it. i asked her about it, and then she said she's not getting it b/c if i nanny and move to another state what is the point? oh so painting that wall and looking for desks for 2 months was for shit. fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou. i just want to scream as loud as i can fuck you at her. me being a nanny. whatever. i need my license, i need to take cpr classes and few others and then i have to wait to see if anyone even wants to give me a job. but we can't buy a fucking 45 dollar desk b/c i might move. she does this all the time. build shit up and then just drop it. fine, whatever bitch. i'll save and buy the fucking desk on my own. each passing day i'm starting to hate my mother more and more. i can't just move out, where the fuck am i going to go, i can't even fucking drive how will i get a job to pay for myself? it's like she doesn't want me to get my license b/c then she has all this control over me. i feel like a fucking 15 year old. i can't grow up. on top of all this i keep thinking of luke and i'm scared to death. maybe over nothing but i don't know what to do. i want to spend the week with him just so i can watch over him b/c i'm afraid i'll lose him. mother of god if i lost him i would try to kill myself. i may be saying that b/c i'm crying and feeling extreamly anrgy right now. these past weeks all i am is angry. i look forword to my mom working so i don't have to see or hear her. so i can be alone. i don't like her. i don't think talking to elan was a good idea b/c it's just like the last time. nothing to say. and me just feeling empty about it. i'm tired of people blowing me off. if you don't want to do something say so you wont hurt my feelings i understand. don't say you'll call and then not. or if you can't, call and say not tonight but maybe some other time. aklsdjgkiahfgjnaufg!!! i'm feeling so many things at once right now i don't know what it real. i don't even know what i'm talking about. i think i need to go and like sit and stare at the wall.

unhappiness.

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