Saturday, November 19, 2005

a week, week and a half a go megan left me a message on myspace that she wanted to get together and talk. at first i laughed and said no way, but i started thinking that maybe some things have changed and if we sat down it would be different. maybe i'm just too nice of a person, maybe i'm just hitting my head agaisnt a wall repeatedly. i left her a message, i don't know how serious you are about this so call me and we'll talk. she did. last night we got together, i called out a bunch and she gave me a bunch of shit. tonight she's going to call me so now that i'm not high as hell i'm going to call her out about her answers and how they don't make sense. i know when she's lying, the whole night she complained about people lying to her and i don't get why she doesn't get it. YOU lie to people all the time. after tonight or whenever we see eachother again if she still isn't being honest with me i'm saying so long forever.

i went back to feeling the same way i used too. i felt annoying, i felt like i was secretly being made fun of. i didn't like it, and when you feel like that and add getting stoned in the mix it makes it worst.

i haven't been that high in a long time, i'm not bragging but i'm just saying. i couldn't totally enjoy it b/c i felt on guard all the time, trying to figure what the hell she wants from me all of a sudden. i think it's b/c she's lost a lot of her friends, she talked about losing a lot of people. that's funny, i wonder why.

i am not a fill in.

she played some songs off deftones "newest" album, b-sides and rarities, i have fallen in love again. i don't think this band gets enough praise. they did a cover of wax and wane by cocteau twins, and the cover of the chauffeur by duran duran is AMAZING. chino's voice is so smooth, and.... dreamy. i am head over heels.

maria's dad asked why i never drive, she said it's b/c i don't have a license. how old is she? 19. he said that my mom needs to pull her head out of her ass and take me to get it. thank you thank you thank you. then he said he should tell her to take me to get it b/c she's being an idiot. thank you thank you thank you. please tell her this. please please please.

something needs to give.

i told her i wanted to get the information for regency (one of the beauty collages) b/c that way i can get health insurence back, and then whenever i get out to seattle (taking things one day at a time) i can do that while going to collage at evergreen. i told her i want to do this, but i wont until i get my license. she said: why wait?

WHY???????????????????????????????????

HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET THERE? WALK? IT'S A 20 MINUTE DRIVE!

a couple days ago i asked her if we were still going to switch rooms, "you might be moving out soon."

WHEN????????????????????????????????????

I CAN'T DRIVE! I DON'T HAVE A JOB! I ACTUALLY HATE YOU!

it really isn't fun walking around clenching your teeth and making fists, trying not to use them 24/7. i get so angry at her i want to get violent. i am the most angry i have ever been in my life.

all of a sudden she's not supporting what maria and i are planning anymore. where are you going to get the money to do this? UM WHERE AM I GOING TO GET THE MONEY TO GET MY OWN PLACE BITCH? she's miserable and wants to drag anyone she can with her. i will not. some of my friend's partents have stepped forward saying they will take me driving and then to get my license. thank you. but i can't breathe easy until this goes into motion.

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